yogabhen ⎪ yoga and kirtan

 
 
Albert Einstein said, “It is strange to be known so universally and yet to be so lonely.”  I cannot claim to be known universally but it seems to me that no matter what, we - or I should be brave enough to say that I - feel lonely.

In my last relationship, I could always just call up my partner and make plans to hang out and phew, loneliness averted.  So when we broke up, there was a hell of a lot of crushing loneliness.  Let me tell you, I wanted to jump right into another relationship. 

Then I realized, maybe I am not lonelier because we are not together.  Oh yes, this feeling has been here always.  The way I see it, even when you have a partner, as long as you are not in some desperate contract with each other to ward it off, you still feel that underlying loneliness.

I decided to spend more time with friends, more time working, cooking, and cleaning, and although the togetherness and busyness felt good and was important, I still could not escape the clutches of that deeper loneliness.  Meet Loneliness and its good friend, Anxiety.  If even Einstein, who was a genius AND famous AND had admirers AND had a loving family, was lonely, then did I have a hope in hell?

So then I thought, okay, the only way out of this is to be in the moment.  

[Beat]

Yup, that was a tough one!

Because the ego just cannot do it.  The moment you breathe and for one millisecond you think, “Oh, wait, am I present?  Yes - I’m present!  I’m present!”  And there you go, you are off thinking about all the other times you are going to be present in the future and everyone will call you the girl who is always present and… And we are off and running. Yikes.

The other day though, I just got tired.  Exhausted by my thoughts and efforts, I felt myself just let go and give up. I felt a flow of energy in my body - in my hands and feet.  I felt consciousness moving through and I just felt the moment - breathing and walking.   And you know something, I did not feel lonely; I just felt alert and there.  Of course I started to analyze and think about it, but for a while, it was lovely.

It just scares me sometimes to think that spiritual teachers are always telling us to be in the moment because that is all there is, and I only think about it and never really do it.  It is scary that I am always thinking of other moments, instead of the one I am in.  It is like life is just passing by and I am stuck in distraction, crazy elation, or lonely and anxious thoughts.  The only option appears to be to let that energy flow into my hands and feet and body, and just feel it and be light and curious and there - any time I can remember to be.

-TJ

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In the spaces 09/16/2010
 
Yesterday, on the streetcar, a man yelled out of the window -- to someone he knew? to a stranger? -- "He is such a bad Buddhist!"

A few people laughed, others ignored him. I stopped reading my book and looked up. What does it mean to be a 'good' Buddhist? To be a 'bad' Buddhist? For that matter, to be a 'good' or 'bad' anything?

A good friend of mine asserts that she is not a Feminist. This confuses me, because I look at her politics and her life, and I think: um, hello. Major feminist. But, No, she says. I don't want to be tied down to what a Feminist is supposed to be, or do. I don't want that label.

And I see that we are talking about different things. And that perhaps we are both missing the point.

Years ago, in school, I remember learning about grand narratives, of the difference between one Truth, and many truths. My attention is drawn back to the difference between the big T and the little t, between a Feminist and a feminist, and perhaps even to the difference between a Buddhist and a buddhist.

This difference is where we live; in the spaces between the grand idea(l) and the personal, daily experience where we probably don't tick all of the boxes, all of the time. The challenge is perhaps to allow this, and be okay with it. To not strive to be meeting our own and others' expectations, to be wearing these identities that are a size too small or big, to be squeezing ourselves into the labels. To instead relax into the space between the boxes, to listen and to be true to this - our own - space.

For me, this is the beauty and promise of yoga and meditation (Buddhist, buddhist or otherwise), which invite us to soften, to hear, to be intimate with this space.

Rumi, the Sufi mystic and poet, writes, "Let the beauty of what we love be what we do. There are hundreds of ways to kneel and kiss the ground."

In his words, I hear the song of wild geese, opening me up to the wordless possibilities of this space.

Wild Geese
You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting 
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

From Dream Work by Mary Oliver, published by Atlantic Monthly Press.

- KK

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Just attended an open house meditation at the Shambhala Meditation Centre here in Toronto.  It was a lovely space to sit for an hour followed by tea and cookies.  A great start to my week to set the mood for the next Yatra event this Friday.  Toronto is full of different meditation communities and spiritual groups which is a great thing but it's nice when you find something that suits your vibe and requirements, isn't it? 

Hope to see you on Friday!

T
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yogabhen's first Yatra event was held in Toronto's Liberty Village last Sunday! A soothing start to the day, with heart-opening yoga practice, incense, live music, massage and song. Followed by a walk through the local farmers market with friends, new and old. Juicy peaches and sticky fingers. Bliss.

Come experience Yatra with us on September 10 or 25 - more details here. We'd love to meet you!
KK
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