yogabhen ⎪ yoga and kirtan

Albert Einstein said, “It is strange to be known so universally and yet to be so lonely.”  I cannot claim to be known universally but it seems to me that no matter what, we - or I should be brave enough to say that I - feel lonely.

In my last relationship, I could always just call up my partner and make plans to hang out and phew, loneliness averted.  So when we broke up, there was a hell of a lot of crushing loneliness.  Let me tell you, I wanted to jump right into another relationship. 

Then I realized, maybe I am not lonelier because we are not together.  Oh yes, this feeling has been here always.  The way I see it, even when you have a partner, as long as you are not in some desperate contract with each other to ward it off, you still feel that underlying loneliness.

I decided to spend more time with friends, more time working, cooking, and cleaning, and although the togetherness and busyness felt good and was important, I still could not escape the clutches of that deeper loneliness.  Meet Loneliness and its good friend, Anxiety.  If even Einstein, who was a genius AND famous AND had admirers AND had a loving family, was lonely, then did I have a hope in hell?

So then I thought, okay, the only way out of this is to be in the moment.  

[Beat]

Yup, that was a tough one!

Because the ego just cannot do it.  The moment you breathe and for one millisecond you think, “Oh, wait, am I present?  Yes - I’m present!  I’m present!”  And there you go, you are off thinking about all the other times you are going to be present in the future and everyone will call you the girl who is always present and… And we are off and running. Yikes.

The other day though, I just got tired.  Exhausted by my thoughts and efforts, I felt myself just let go and give up. I felt a flow of energy in my body - in my hands and feet.  I felt consciousness moving through and I just felt the moment - breathing and walking.   And you know something, I did not feel lonely; I just felt alert and there.  Of course I started to analyze and think about it, but for a while, it was lovely.

It just scares me sometimes to think that spiritual teachers are always telling us to be in the moment because that is all there is, and I only think about it and never really do it.  It is scary that I am always thinking of other moments, instead of the one I am in.  It is like life is just passing by and I am stuck in distraction, crazy elation, or lonely and anxious thoughts.  The only option appears to be to let that energy flow into my hands and feet and body, and just feel it and be light and curious and there - any time I can remember to be.

-TJ